A Memoiric-Occultic Account by Daniel A. Brown
CHLORPROMAZINE — the First Spirit is the Principal- Antipsychotic King ruling in the Southeast, called Chlorpromazine. He maketh thee to go mute. He appeareth round with hints of citrus hues. He answers to the lesser names of Thorazine and Largactil. He frees one from junior high school, ending formal education (grades 7-9) and grants the power to smoke Marlboro Lights in a greasy arcade that reeks of lurking salted and abandoned memories, located in a rickety pier.
Hebrew Gematria: 936
TRIFLUOPERAZINE — the Second Spirit is the mercurial Duke of Phenothiazines, who lurked near Deane’s Books and the Crab Pot Restaurant (circa 1985), known as Trifluoperazine. He responds to the name of Stelazine, taking the form of a light-blue orb. His powers include luring one into home-schooling via the public school system. He negates most obsessions with The White Album.
Hebrew Gematria: 1165
IMIPRAMINE — the Third Spirit is the mighty Prince Imipramine; responding in kind to the names of Tofranil and Tofranil-PM. His powers include enchantment via Quicksilver Messenger Service; procurement of Thai stick from a man with a duffel bag circa 1985. Failing burglary attempts at a VFW Hall, one may attempt moonlight Onanism if the working of Imipramine remains unchecked.
Hebrew Gematria: 273
TRANYLCYPROMINE — the Fourth Spirit is a Jester of monoamine oxidase inhibitors (“The Irish Jheri Curl”) known by the aeons as Tranylcypromine. Pink, churlish appearance; also answers to the dry-mouthed exhortation of Parnate. He dooms one to the music of Ornette Coleman and grants tenuous power to tolerate others describing “Harmolodics” to baffled 1990s-fanzine creators. Like Psalms to an elemental, Bananas are anathema to Tranylcypromine.
Hebrew Gematria: 1318
PHENELZINE — the Fifth Spirit is the spurious Heart-Girt spirit known as Phenelzine; or “Nardil the MAO | IAO Cupid.” Planetary orange in color, Phenelzine grants one the ability to admit eternal love to an equally troubled girl while standing in a tent. Caveat: the tent must be in a yard, far removed from any forest.
Hebrew Gematria: 692
BENZODIAZEPINE — the Sixth Spirit is a disembodied witch of somnambulance (“The Crossroads Sorceress of Pfizer”) called Benzodiazepine; she grants wisdoms as she maketh one forgets through gradients including anxiolytic, psycho-leptic, “genius-memetics,” and sedation. She answers by many names: Ativan, Halcion, Klonopin, Valium, and Xanax, and appears in myriad forms; ovoid, round, fragmentary. Powers of double-vision and forgetfulness (“Prospector’s Dilemma”) are common. Lesser concerns include un-invoked word-of-mouth PR work for Kitaro and Jean-Michel Jarre to pharmacists.
Hebrew Gematria: 1230
ARIPIPRAZOLE— the Seventh Spirit denotes the “softening of the names due to marketing research” and is called forth as Abilify and Aristada. Appearing as a hermaphrodite, Aripiprazole brings chocolate oranges to depression-support groups as the peer advocate breaks into spontaneous operatic arias during the smoke break. Aripiprazole is attracted to Golden Corral buffets and sweating in bed in the middle of winter.
Hebrew Gematria: 875
AMPHETAMINE and DEXTROAMPHETAMINE — the Eighth Spirit is the “chattering of the aethyrs.” A mystical chimera, answering to the names of Adderall and Mydayis, the conjoined forces of Amphetamine and Dextroamphetamine bring the gift of unearned illumination and volatile hypergraphia. If carelessly invoked, both Adderall and Mydayis can enchant one to fall in love with a 1986 VHS cassette of a pornographic film.
Amphetamine Hebrew Gematria: 289
Dextroamphetamine Hebrew Gematria: 828
AMPHETAMINE and DEXTROAMPHETAMINE
ATOMOXETINE — the Ninth Spirit answers to the three-fold call: “Strattera! Strattera! Strattera!” A lord of psychostimulants, Atomoxetine banishes cats, sleep, appetites, and common sense while clarifying delusions into 5,000-word unreadable dreck. He grants the power of self-abnegation in appetites and salacious longwindedness. A hesitant sort, Atomoxetine takes one-to-four weeks to fully materialize but once embodied in the circle, grants men the power to breastfeed and women the ability to ignore the cries of the mystified suckling-foundling. Verbosity, an indifference to sleep, and a thirst for fancy mineral waters are but a gleam of the bounty brought forth by this slow-arriving-yet-jocular spirit. Grimoric lore maintains that Atomoxetine sprayed from the body of Simon Magus as his body fell to earth: now the site of the Simony Pharmacy located near present-day Nablus (formerly Flavia Neapolis).
Hebrew Gematria: 690
BUSPIRONE — the Tenth Spirit is the sire of sobbing cigarettes, answering only to the name of Buspar. Buspirone is approached when Duncan Hines is in retrograde and He ruleth over 1214 spirits. He appears as a discarded floss-stick in the parking lot of an automotive parts store, granting one the power to ignore a torrent of psychosomatic cop-outs.
Hebrew Gematria: 536
FLUOXETINE — the Eleventh Spirit is the ruler of agitated relocation and can barely be contained in the circle when called as Prozac and Sarafem. A verified trickster, Fluoxetine gives the power of “emphatically good ideas,” along with relocating to Rincon, Puerto Rico, and stacking a functioning television on a broken, wood-paneled console television.
Hebrew Gematria: 735
OLANZAPINE — the Twelfth Spirit is a first-line spirit named Zyprexa, appearing either fully invisible or as a monocle-wearing owl who smokes a bubble pipe, and rules over a congregation of lesser atypical anti-pneumatic spirits. The “last of the harsh-sounding spirits,” Olanzapine keeps one safely in home, secure from the Federal Bureau of Invisibility; allows one to climb the courtyard of a closed bank without attracting mosquitos; be gifted with the ability to drive a stick-shift (once), and eat cold taco meat over the kitchen sink with no need of lamp or flame-light. In the grand theurgical tradition, Zyprexa is a fickle daemon most foul. While one may gain inner wisdom, one should also expect weight gain, no improvement of psychomotor retardation, hand tremors, foot glimmers, and lessening discernment in the ability to identify what is chthonic beings with merely cocaine psychosis [documented in The Frogs They Chanted, “Without Wait, Without Wait” from a Palm Valley Pond; Niels Vallè; 1836]
Hebrew Gematria: 726
CITALOPRAM — the Thirteenth Spirit is a secondary spirit invoked as Celexa.Lording over 20 sub-spirits, he grants the power to shoplift an industrial-size container of lampreys from an Alabama salvage store, control the direction of thrips, and make a melancholy rat somewhat less melancholy.
Hebrew Gematria: 354
DULOXETINE — is the Fourteenth Spirit and lord of the infant class of spirits and appears as Cymbalta. A swindler spirit, he will trade priapism for polyuria, and his assistance is hindered by making one suspiciously sweat in bank lines, pharmacies, and department store changing rooms. Duloxetine disappears as he arrives: as a mandala of cockroaches.
Hebrew Gematria: 733
VALPROATE — the Fifteenth Spirit rules over a legion of one thousand subservient off-label spirits and is called forth as Depakote. The only known spirit with a myrrh allergy, she brings fallow fields to abundant harvest, appears in visions as holding ice in each hand while rising from the sea, and allows the mage the power to cry only four times within twenty-three years; no more, no less.
Hebrew Gematria: 1017
ISOCARBOXAZID — is the Sixteenth Spirit and invoked as Marplan, Marplon, and Enerzer. An ancient chthonic gate-keeper spirit, Isocarboxazid takes stubborn residence under a picnic table at Lake Jericho in Smithfield, Kentucky and appears as fireflies. Successful invocation is confirmed by the sound of the music of Don Williams within the third ear and a temperature drop in cracked, empty fish aquariums.
Hebrew Gematria: 1099
VENLAFAXINE — the Seventeenth Spirit is called as Effexor and appears as a rusty bicycle in the woods (Note: in previous grimoires, Venlafaxine takes the form of a penny-farthing compromised of skulls or a Scottish Rites pogo-stick). In cases of resistant somnambulance, envelopes from creditors change color from white, to pink, to yellow, and so forth. Beneficent powers include the Power of the Blind-Eye, and the banishing of excessive Grateful Dead podcasts.
Hebrew Gematria: 1127
LAMOTRIGINE — the Eighteenth Spirit first appears as a vision of a 1970s Kiddierama Theatre coin-operated animation vending machine and answers to the call of Lamictal. The rare spirit that rules over thirty dominions while affecting both the prefrontal lobe, pineal gland, perineum, and other alliterative and hindering, flesh-tethered parts of the “hermetic booty.” Lamictal grants the power to improve one’s forgetfulness in increasing the magician’s obliviousness to ever being aware of forgetting anything. A tandem power to prevent convulsions (“Headlock of the Hidden Gods”) is offset with the power to form a rock band called The Agram Tooth and flood the music community with a glut of cassette-only releases wrapped in baby doll hair and blue candle wax.
Hebrew Gematria: 351
MIRTAZAPINE — the Nineteenth Spirit is Remeron. A late-arriving servant, a fortnight may pass before Mirtazapine arrives to aid one’s troubles. Appearing in the mouth and vibrating in the gullet chakra, this feisty spirit has the power to raise the prescription pad from a pain management physician, “as a Tulpa brought forth from the Tibet-yan’s barbaric fluting” (– Z. Woollacott, 1913; “Incident in Tib-yet.”) If unattended, one will awake in disorientation, in a dimly-lit room teeming with half-consumed cans of cola, walls covered in carpet.
Hebrew Gematria: 835
QUETIAPINE — the Twentieth Spirit is called forth as Seroquel and is a watchtower spirit. Arriving as a vision of a field of wheat; a blue sky; sun’s fire on one’s face; and a melodious cross-breeze, this “queller of intrigue” languidly provides all answers to unwanted questions and grants the power to complete all crossword puzzles—in ink pen, no less and grants one the lifelong boon to never own a pet too large so that one cannot kill said beast with one’s own bare hands.
Hebrew Gematria: 499
CARBAMAZEPINE — the Twenty-First spirit is indifferent to names and arrives if invoked as Tegretol, Equetro, Epitol, Tegretol XR, Carbamazepine Chewtabs, Carbamazepine CR, Carbatrol, Teril, or Carnexiv. Successful summoning is denoted by eye tremors and a bout of hypoglycemia during a screening of the film Jacob’s Ladder. A princess of fauna, Carbamazepine is known to take the form of an invasive species known as dioscorea bulbifer; colloquially known as the “air potato”—not to be confused with the Indianmeal moth (plodia interpunctella) or, “air monkey.” Granted powers include avoiding imagined assassination attempts, protection from paraffin in all forms, and the superhuman ability to eat vast meals.
Hebrew Gematria: 737
ESCITALOPRAM — the Twenty-Second spirit is a chattering interlocutor and called forth from the abyss by the names Lexapro and Cipralex. Her arrival is marked by a temperature increase in the temple, a soft melodious penny-whistle tune “heard” in the molars, and via excreta of sour water through the glands. She transmits her answers through repeated coincidences of Blind Faith’s “Can’t Find My Way Home” playing on FM radio, during the arrival of the “red tide” algal bloom in the ocean. She grants the powers of remote viewing of small electronic devices in pawn shops and the shared vision of the Sabbatic Solar Cycle: “What I will buy when I win that lottery.”
Hebrew Gematria: 449
LITHIUM — the Twenty-Third spirit is the Duke of Principalities of the dry-tongue and tight-fitting denim and is conjured thorough the names of Priadel, Camcolit and Liskonium, Eskalith, Eskalith-CR, and Lithobid. Lithium appears as a small child composed of chrome who wears a garland of forgotten ideas around its neck. The power of general thought-placation is granted within weeks, conjoined with a [hopefully] false memory of masturbating in the bathroom of a 1991 mental hospital; polyuria, and coming home after a secondary suicide attempt in the form of breaking down sobbing while listening to the outro of Brian Eno’s “The True Wheel,” and the subsequent crying a total of four times for the next 20 years.
Hebrew Gematria: 376
GABAPENTIN — the Twenty-Fourth spirit is called Neurontin and is a mercurial figure in various grimoires. Neuralgia is lessened and one is also granted the power to drug one’s cat with this spirit to give the mesmerized feline a highly reluctant bath. The Pseudomonarchia Delirium of Gailard Sartain of München  describes Gabapentin appearing as a cascading tower of boiled peanuts, expired prescriptions, and menthol cigarettes lighting and extinguishing themselves in alternating sequence. Powers granted include a reduction in focal seizures and an increase in flirting with a nurse in the ICU, whilst restrained to a hospital gurney and realizing that happiness is a divine birthright.
Hebrew Gematria: 265
PAROXETINE — the Twenty-Fifth spirit is invoked by the names of Paxil and Seroxat and assists in maladies including depression, bipolar depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, H.R. Giger wheeze, and falling in love with a woman who is inconveniently married with a recently-paroled frontline foot-soldier of the Aryan Brotherhood, but she really wants you to “check out her new band’s demo.” Paroxetine takes the form of electrical zaps in the central nervous system, followed by spontaneous sobbing while watching Close Encounters of the Third Kind; this spirit rules a dominion of four counterfeit watchtower angels who take form as Maine Coon cats wearing 1980s new-wave eyewear and garish spats.
Hebrew Gematria: 650
RISPERIDONE — the Twenty-Sixth spirit answers to Risperdal and boasts rulership over some four million failed ceramicists of the elemental variety. The Renaissance goetic sorcerer and insufferable manick-depressive Loggia Sinforia (1512-1567) wrote a controversial treatise on the volatile evocation of Risperdal, arguing the merits of allowing the spirit to enter the host-body fully. Sinforia argued that such an arrangement allowed one to expertly bow a trombone and command pigs to protect the magician through the use of a handcrafted fipple flute, or flageolet. To create the Risperdal Fipple Flute, a discarded toilet paper roll is punctured with the antler of a Tibetan pygmy yak, then buried in wet soil during a “fool’s moon,” while being seen by no one during the digging, burial, and retrieval. This magical implement is not to be confused with secular toilet paper fipple: the “dur-dur.”
Hebrew Gematria: 432
SERTRALINE — the Twenty-Seventh spirit is beckoned through the name of Zoloftand rules over a legion of plush-toy demiurges and is the only pure IAO Inhibitor in this spirit-catalog. A spirit attracted to the bucolique de banlieue (translated: suburban bucolic), Sertraline appears as a neglected fig tree, boasting rotten fig pods recognizable by their sickly-sweet aroma. Sertraline and her demiurgic multitudes grant the power of hiding half-smoked joints in dental-floss boxes, concealing faith-based pornographic magazines within one’s clothing, and the ability to alienate friends and family with emphatic and argumentative opinions; views wholly uninformed yet fully opinionated. Such are the words.
Hebrew Gematria: 430
ASENAPINE — the Twenty-Eighth spirit reluctantly arrives by the name of Saphris. In the Vajrayana tradition, Saphris appears as a jewel-encrusted ox; in the Western esoteric schools, her presence is verified by the sound of a pickup truck door being repeatedly slammed, the poignant call of a train at 4 a.m., and a memory of nearly burning one’s metal-shop teacher with an acetylene torch while being blinded from donning grease-smeared plastic goggles. Saphris grants the power to quickly carry a small dog down the antiseptic hallways of a convalescent center, to turn old folding money into lurid origami, and to draw the face of William Butler Yeats in the condensation of a cold, damp window.
Hebrew Gematria: 251
CARIPRAZINE — the Twenty-Ninth is brought forth through the intoning of the “barbarous names”: Vraylar and Reagila. This spirit rules over all 341 sub-elementals and grants the power to refrain from espousing utterances such as, “I take agency over my light-body…I am taking a posture of authenticity.” Cariprazine assists one in the etheric realm, and grants the powers of merciless expulsion of Astral Voyeurs. Contact with the arrival of Cariprazine is verified by flickering lamps, feverish symptoms, sweatiness and nausea (“The Roiling Paraclete”), and the overwhelming urge to propose marriage to a group of seals located in a remote Scottish loch via the practice of Seal Kasina.
Hebrew Gematria: 788
TRAZODONE — the Thirtieth spirit arrives when addressed as Desyrel, Desyrel Dividose, Molipaxin, Oleptro, Trazodone D. Judicious care must be taken when dealing with Trazodone: when visible to the human eye, this spirit (who lords over the Typhonian sleep elementals) may faintly appearing as a shimmering and luminous mallet. Trazodone’s main boon is the power to grant one a deep, unending rest; the abyss of the manifest and unmanifest, the dreamless sleep. [See also The Prajna of the Scurrilous Hindoo, Father Kipyard Rudling; 1903]. While not a certified trickster spirit, Trazodone can lure the conjurer into sleeping for hours, days, weeks, or even while reading this far into this paragraph.
Hebrew Gematria: 830
BUPROPION – the Thirty-First spirit is named Wellbutrin and Zyban. One of the youngest spirits cataloged in this grimoire, Bupropion borrows its name from the famous priapic angel of the Chaldean papyri. Legend has it that the final king of the Neo-Babylonian Empire (Nabonidus: b.620–615 BCE; d. 539 BCE) warned of the Aeon of Zyban; thankfully his fears are unfounded. Once successfully invoked, Bupropion grants the power of tobacco cessation, wards off needy men walking around with parrots on their shoulders and yellow boa constrictors draped around their necks, and “a surfeit of gnosis in regards to the late-1960s music of Albert King.” Most encouragingly, the potential side effects of Bupropion are limited to anxiety, constipation, dry mouth, excessive sweating, insomnia, liver toxicity, nausea, psychosis, “slow-eye,” tremor, and accidental death.
Hebrew Gematria: 551